What is and what shall never be

I can't say I've felt much like writing these past few weeks. The holiday season is upon us & I haven't spent too much time shopping (thankfully) but find that when I do I am longing to decorate. I decided to stay in Los Angeles this year, mostly due to a long lack of work & not finding cheap enough air fare. I suppose I could have gotten a tree (which I secretly long for) but have felt torn about it. On the one hand, I love real trees. However I do not love the thought of how many trees have been cut down for this practice. I'm sure a good deal come from tree farms & planting new ones is their business. Maybe it evens out. Who knows. I've thought about getting a fake tree, and even though I currently have plenty of storage to keep it throughout the year, I find myself not wanting to. I think the real problem is the lack of family / friends nearby. Sure a handful of people are in town this week, including my brother, but they won't be parading around my house on Christmas morning exchanging gifts or stuffing their faces w/ goodies. And so, I have this sinking feeling that if I did go out & get a tree that it would make me feel somehow sadder, that it will only make me long to be at home sitting in front of the fireplace & staring at the decor there. Perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe it'd make me happier. I'm just not sure I'll find out.

This has got me thinking lots lately of how much one misses living thousands of miles away from their family. You miss all the marriages, births, holidays & get togethers... and in my family it seems we have missed all too many of these over the years. It's a collective feeling among my siblings that we are very detached from our hordes of cousins & relatives. Quite a shame since we have so many. In many ways they seem to be quite a close knit group on either side & as for us, well, we are out in left field. Seemingly if two of us weren't all these miles away we could be more proactive about resolving this. Being that none of us have children or spouses, it would be nice.

In recent months I've been thinking a lot about ex-friends. Isn't it weird when your friends aren't your friends anymore? I am not talking about people that have drifted apart over time, but the ones that outright dismiss you from their lives as if you had never mattered at all. Now one such person has been on my mind lately & many times I feel alright w/ the parting b/c I feel we had drifted apart in many ways & had already had a previous falling out - but I would have never severed our friendship as she had. I can't say I handled the situation well when it occurred. I didn't even want to talk to her. We had drifted apart but I still enjoyed having a relationship with her. I wrote to her several times, which in my case is a horrible idea since I tend to ramble. She out of the blue accused me of things I had nothing to do with, laying blame on everyone around her. Maybe it's best that she likes to hold grudges. Perhaps I shouldn't have people like that in my life, but I can't help but think of all the years we were good. I've had several dreams the last couple months about her, which is strange since we haven't talked in a couple years, and in it we are completely fine & close friends - however her personality is completely different. So am I thinking of things to come or reminiscing over things that will never be?

I wish I could say that was the only time a person has so severely severed their friendship from me. Another friend of mine grew more hostile towards me & ended our friendship w/ a harsh letter. An entire situation which I didn't understand the source of frustration & which could have been saved if only people talked about their feelings. Another friend of mine didn't end our friendship but in so many ways distanced herself. I watched her passively aggressively lead me to believe something when I knew she had no intention of it happening. I found myself being a filler friend. No longer am I the person you just call to hang out with, but now I am the person that occasionally is only invited to events. Other friends have treated me very very poorly.

So, am I a horrible person? Is there some similar reason these people have done these things to me? No. I rest assured & am confident in myself & my character that I am at the core, a decent human being. I will be a great friend to those I love & I have met some truly great friends. But I am not without my faults. People aren't always going to be who you need them to be. All I can be is who I am. We are not perfect but we sure try.